I’ve always had this weird habit where I hate taking money from my parents. I just can’t. Now that I say it out loud it sounds dumb. Whenever we’re out shopping and I see something that I really like, I just can’t bring myself to say, ‘Ammi, I really like this, can we buy it, please?’ Whenever we’re out at a restaurant and my mom asks what I’d like to eat I’d simply say, ‘Whatever you want,’ when deep down I know I really want that new juicy BigBang burger. It’s gotten to the point where I feel shy even asking her for money so I can buy my past papers for school.
I just feel like such a burden on my parents all the time – physically and financially. So, I try to minimise all my expenses as much as possible. I turn down my friends when they ask me to hangout, I don’t ask my parents to buy me things, and I refuse to take any gifts from them on my birthday. So while my brother goes out to parties, hangs out with friends, goes to picnics and buys unnecessary stuff, I sit at home trying to ‘compensate’ by studying. It’s the only thing I’m good at that can give my parents a sigh of relief. The A*s act as my repayment for all the extra hours my dad has had to work and the comfort my mom has had to sacrifice because of us, at least for the time being.
I push myself every day to get a 100% scholarship in A Levels, that way my parents wouldn’t have to worry about paying my college fees. But that too has taken a toll on my health lately. All the sleepless nights have led to me getting frequent migraines and fatigue, it’s exactly what you get when you chew more than you can swallow. I’ve also spent many nights contemplating if I should get a local job or start a typical tuition in my room so I can at least pay for a few of my expenses, I know it’s not much but it’s a step nonetheless.
I’ve seen my parents struggle and sacrifice so much for us, and I love them too much to let them go on like this. I just can’t see myself as a burden. Whenever someone asks what I want to be in the future, I never see myself having a particular job or profession. I only see myself earning enough so I can give my parents all the comfort and joy and material possessions they desire. All I want is to somehow give them what they gave me. That is what keeps me going.
It seems ridiculous but I can’t help but feel this way. I just hope what I’m doing is the right thing.
-Anonymous