I’ve always had this weird habit where I hate taking money from my parents. I just can’t. Now that I say it out loud it sounds dumb. Whenever we’re out shopping and I see something that I really like, I just can’t bring myself to say, ‘Ammi, I really like this, can we buy it, please?’ Whenever we’re out at a restaurant and my mom asks what I’d like to eat I’d simply say, ‘Whatever you want,’ when deep down I know I really want that new juicy BigBang burger. It’s gotten to the point where I feel shy even asking her for money so I can buy my past papers for school.
I just feel like such a burden on my parents all the time – physically and financially. So, I try to minimise all my expenses as much as possible. I turn down my friends when they ask me to hangout, I don’t ask my parents to buy me things, and I refuse to take any gifts from them on my birthday. So while my brother goes out to parties, hangs out with friends, goes to picnics and buys unnecessary stuff, I sit at home trying to ‘compensate’ by studying. It’s the only thing I’m good at that can give my parents a sigh of relief. The A*s act as my repayment for all the extra hours my dad has had to work and the comfort my mom has had to sacrifice because of us, at least for the time being.
I push myself every day to get a 100% scholarship in A Levels, that way my parents wouldn’t have to worry about paying my college fees. But that too has taken a toll on my health lately. All the sleepless nights have led to me getting frequent migraines and fatigue, it’s exactly what you get when you chew more than you can swallow. I’ve also spent many nights contemplating if I should get a local job or start a typical tuition in my room so I can at least pay for a few of my expenses, I know it’s not much but it’s a step nonetheless.
I’ve seen my parents struggle and sacrifice so much for us, and I love them too much to let them go on like this. I just can’t see myself as a burden. Whenever someone asks what I want to be in the future, I never see myself having a particular job or profession. I only see myself earning enough so I can give my parents all the comfort and joy and material possessions they desire. All I want is to somehow give them what they gave me. That is what keeps me going.
It seems ridiculous but I can’t help but feel this way. I just hope what I’m doing is the right thing.
-Anonymous
Whoever you are, know that you are a strong individual and there is nothing ridiculous with your thoughts. You will go places with the passion you hold within yourself. You are not a burden, infact you are a blessing to your parents. There are a number of websites offering brilliantly authentic jobs in Pakistan, you just need to google them up and there you are. Look for stuff you think you can do and just dont give up. All your sleepless nights are going to be worth it, trust me. More power to you!
i dont know who you are but i can tell you that you are great, such simple and optimistic beliefs ,that caring and kind attitude toward your parents, and that guilt that you have for not being upto the mark is what i strive for. continue this path and you will have great things waiting great things waiting for you in the near future. remember dont fall for that smart work bs because there is no shortcut to glory as it is said and that hard work is the key to success, the success you desire.
I know this won’t sound like much, but you don’t always have to be perfect. whatever you feel is the most normal thing any child would feel, I feel it all the time. just know that your parents are your parents for a reason, they love you. you’d never be burden for some who loves you. plus, you’ll have your time to repay all that they did for you when you’re older. right now, keep doing what you’re doing, but don’t forget you’re human too. your parents love you and they want you to be healthy and happy, so do what you feel is right and remember to breathe a little. whatever it may be, I know you can do it <3